medicine.

I do really like to laugh...laughing from the deepest part of me, is medicine to my soul and also acts as a feeding tube into my functioning as a human being in the times of a world that does not know what to do with my life...BUT I need not worry, as my life is being held high in the hands of my Jesus.. So the things that enter in, and travel through that tube, are tested from the hearts of another, and the purity of their own journey...where they are, authentic in their walk even though it may be a painful journey for them...or even confusing....however they are not denying where they are. That is what makes me joyful, from the life of another person...sharing in their life...their character interwoven in their story...which brings times of sadness, yet also times of joy...it makes my own heart jump inside of me...that life is meant to be spent with one another as we walk through confusion, pain....yet joy comes in the mourning...don't give up...your story is meant to be shared with another...whatever, and however it looks...keep going...

i have a dream.

In the words of Luther... I have a dream....for the church...not just for a nation geographically, or even for the content of character rather than the colour of skin...but for the hearts of leaders, to turn back to their Lord...the church...

Where serving is not used as a 'means of grace'...worth is not found in works or the building of a system but instead where there is a cultivation of 'working out your own salvation', and for chains to be broken from the ankles of slaves not just of colour, but slaves of religiosity and performance driven success.

I have a dream that within each one of us, we are looking to the Lord for our healing...stripping off the need to use power in place of weakness...

I have a dream to let people be themselves where they are...with no need to cover, hide, or be judged....where I am not holding them to their own failures, weaknesses or shortcomings...but to allow a place of rest, peace and acceptance in the place of confusion and discontentment.

Once those failings are faced...weaknesses are looked straight in the eye...shortcomings are traced...and vulnerability is sitting at your door...that is the place where we then let go our urgency to hide ourselves away, to stop using people to escape from ourselves and as a result, get up again and again and again...

Then it may be possible to say 'free at last, free at last...thank God Almighty I am free at last!!'

burning.

When I was sitting around a little fire, having burgers (english ones...ew), there was a conversation going on..yet there was more to it than just a conversation. It was as if there was more theological debate hiding the character, than it was actually getting somewhere in the topic of conversation. But that's just me, I see the person rather than the information spewing forth from people's mouths.

I therefore got my phone, and wrote this down:

To know everything, and work out the intricate details of most things by human reasoning, and relying on that information, is the the deeper issue of not really knowing who you are. It is relying on you as a person and your damaged character, a separate entity from God because you have learnt to hide behind that information. He wants you to believe even when you don't hear, see or even feel him, but that means you have to strip away those things you have always covered up, built upon, and relied on. Go on...get to know the real you in the risen Christ...I dare you...

the impostor.

 

The impostor self always wants to raise its head in times of vulnerability. When you are most fearful about being yourself, with all things that have already taken place. Things done to you, and decisions you have made yourself - who are you then when you think about such times. The times when you have succumbed to making your own choices - are they enough? Do your choices define you, or do you define your choices? Without balance to such questions, the line is blurry, the boundaries are not in place, identity is not yet formed enough to be able to rest in a place of contentment. What is contentment? Is it not the sense of actually living in the times of not knowing...but with enduring patience, putting one foot in front of the other with a sense of purpose, yet now knowing where you are going or what it is for?

When you/I sit with someone, talking, sharing, exploring the minds and hearts of one another - how much do we also question the thoughts of who we are in relation to that person? There is such a deeper current of identity taking place within those conversations that we are not aware of - who are you? You may ask if we are not being vulnerable enough within those trusted friendships and relationships, how are we then going to get to really KNOW one another? Words are powerful - are you drawing your words from the source of life and healing, or are you drawing your words from a source of guilt, loss, anxiety, anger and not dealt with experiences? Whatever your answer to those questions are, you need to know that there is such power and meaning in the depths of your character, whether wounded or free. Refrain from being hasty with your words when you are also trying to work out who you are. Spend those blurry times in the sanctuary, behind the curtain, being formed and developed in the secret place of intimacy. This does not diminish relationship with another, in figuring out who we are as there is important place for that too- but 'happy, blithesome, joyous, spiritually-prosperous, with life-joy and satisfaction in God's favour and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions, are the mild, patient and long suffering (those with controlled strength), for they will inherit the earth.' (Matthew 5:4-6). There your character is formed, developed, and above all, identity is found...rooted and established in love, God.

less talk, more transformation

No one can touch those times spent, in the inner sanctury...it is of more value than gold..the blood, sweat and tears that it takes to get there...where there are no short cuts, but just you, naked, stripped of all your human imposters that cover the real you...but there you are standing before an Almighty God...who knows every inch of your system, your working, there is no hiding. In that place is where real transformation happens...where it hurts, is sacrificial, and surrender takes place...THAT is priceless. It is not something to strive after, but to seek the Lord, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord, and find him in the quietness of his house, away from the noise. 

...been a while.

So it has been a while since I have blogged...I only posted one blog since I started this thing, but hey, small beginnings even though they were a few years apart.

Anyway, so much has happened in my life even since the last post that I actually really want to start blogging again, and share the things that are precious to me, with the world, yes I did well say that...my deep thoughts are for the public's eyes to read - whoever you are, friend, family, acquaintance or a random arrival.

As I was reading someone else's blog today...I realized yet again that I have something to share with you all - the deep crevices of my heart are wanting to reveal hope to the souls that have been convinced, through emotion and feeling, words or acts, that there is no hope. But I want to say that there is hope where you feel troubled...where you are either in that valley, or you are frustrated over the smallest relational pattern that seems to get in your way all the time! I am by no means saying I have the answers, but I am saying that I have something to say. If it means that I write it on here, talk with a friend over coffee, or dinner, so be it. I also am not saying that I have it all together, because I definitely do not have it all together, but as I have come to accept my brokenness, my story and my experiences in life, I have also come in touch with an ever increasing sense of who I am in the presence of an Almighty God, even in my weaknesses, in my trouble, and anxieties, he is still my refuge and he is still trustworthy. And it is in that place that I am once again awakened to my spiritual citizenship, by knowing that I look ahead to the race marked out, yet gaining healing from the things that have gone before.

So...from now on, I want to share with you, my heart, my story, my day. Let the world see that I have not given up on life even though I have felt it has ripped me from it's foundation at times. I am getting up, again, with a fire that is burning in my innermost being, and as a woman, grasping how much she is wholly and dearly loved, through the intimacy of her Abba Father. It has not been easy, but this life so far, as a 25 year old, has been one of intense despair and pain, with situations that words cannot express the feeling the experience brings. BUT, I am still here, and that is reason enough to speak, act, and share what I have learnt. I believe it can help you too.

....heart issues....

So I thought I would start a blog to write down a few things about life in general, and mostly what God is teaching me through my walk with him....one of them....

....heart issues....the story of my life....

Have you ever felt defeat...gone through defeat...exprerienced defeat??? Well I have had this new experience arise...something I thought I would never ever actually exprience...

...have you ever hoped for change, longed for change....held on for change yet change never seems to show up...you fight for something, hope for something yet you never feel like you are seeing the 'something' happen....

...I had this metaphoric epiphany....have you ever seen a warrior/soldier fighting on their own in a battle...they are still fighting for something that everyone else is fighting for...their skills are something that is going to help the team bring victory...however when they are battling and fighting for the cause and there is no one to watch their back, there comes a time when the warrior spirit starts to fade and eventually they put down their weapons from tiredness and start walking away...

...they feel defeated....

...'Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.' Prov 13v12 (msg)

Unstoppable dissapointment makes the heart sick and causes it to feel defeated, failed, and unable to feel like it can fight for anything anymore....BUT a sudden good break can bring fullfillment...

...I think...no, I know God is the God of change and turnaround...its his business...He knows our passions, desires, our DNA...what makes us tick...
...if I have something I long to see happen...if I constantly fight on my own for it...I will get tired...however I have the assurance that if I put my weapons down, God will pick up his and fight on my behalf...He will fight for me...thats what He does...But I need to give that over to him...trust Him in it, get on with my day in and day out things...have a hope IN Him and not hold SO tightly...let it go...do the things that make me tick, make me who I am, bring me fullfillment in this life, and let Christ do His thing...